amattulina

All I have to say is yay for facebook (and taco's, but that's just fulfilling a craving).  I've finally joined Facebook, so if you're there and I haven't found you yet, yell at me. 

We're currently watching a new show called "One Way Out" on Discovery.  It's ridiculous, but I'm totally involved.

Merry, Happy, Blessed, and all that applies to whatever my lovelies celebrate.  Hope all is well and everyone's enjoying happy and safe holidays and we can all look forward to a Happy New Year.

So, I went to the dentist today.  I don't mind going to the dentist, except when I get news like I did today.  On Halloween, I was in the grid at work (for those who don't know what that is, it is the highest space in the theatre -about 60'0" above the stage- where all the rigging lives).  We have some pieces of structural steel at about waist height up there and I just happened to be working right next to one of them.  I needed something for the project that Jesse and I were working on and turned full speed directly into said piece of steel.  I hit my head so hard that my jaw slammed shut.  What I didn't realize then was that I had broken a filling, I discovered it last week but I thought I had only chipped a tooth.  Well, this week it started to hurt, and I mean hurt.  Can't sleep at night hurt.  (Waaaahhhh!!!, I know).  I took that as my cue to go to the dentist.  I found out today that I have inherited my dad's teeth.  Under the filling that I broke was a lot of decay, to the point where the tooth may not be salvagable.  So I'll either get to have a root canal and get another crown or I'll get to have to tooth extracted and get a bridge or an implant or just deal with a missing tooth.  I take care of my teeth and I still have issues.  Damn it!  Not only is there going to be pain, but there's also going to be money that I don't have.  Poop!

Another piece of something that I wrote in college:

A Love Supreme, A Heart of Gold, Pure Beauty, Underestimated, Understanded, Comprehended, Improvised, Socialized, Dramatized, Swagger, Stagger, Pressure, Forced Lonliness, Tormented Artist, Dragons, Unicorns, Gryffins, Mythology, Psychology, Diabolically Reticent, Wanting to be heard, Needing to be seen, Finding a voice, a medium, a glory, a passion, triumph, pain, love, life, where's my story, what's my luck, never knowng, always going in different directions, Who cares, pulling, tearing at my psyche like dogs in a tug of war.  What a bore.  What a life.  I need excitement, not you telling me what I already know.  Society predicts talent and supresses it.  Don't limit my dreams, my style.  What style?  It's been a while.  Kill it.  Make it stop.  Why.  Cry.  Can't deny the drama.  Can't defy the crowd.  Wait a minute.  Who says?  Unlimited expression, Unaccepted depression.  Defy the norm.  Create, Dream, Socialize, Normalize.  No, don't do that.  Take inspiration, Take drugs.  Expand the mind, look around and see the sound of life. Don't let the world hold it down.  Let it go, then you'll know who you are.  Who cares what the world thinks.  Fuck the world.  I need a drink.  I need an escape.  Pain in the spine.  I whine and whine.  But never accept help.  Can't concentrate.  Can't decide what to do.  Live, Learn, drive, no car.  Not that drive, stupid.  Oh, sorry.  So, what are you saying?  Nothing, just keep dreaming, junior.  Let it flow, let it go.  Listen to no one but you.  Prepare yourself.  Repare your life.  Play games, stay sane.  Be young, have fun.  Don't let success dull you.  Release stress, what a mess it's become.  Are you numb, are you dumb?  Can you find some reason to be, to see yourself as a god.  Glory, praise, all can be yours if you settle the score and let it be.  Be careful driving could hinder surviving and cash flow.  No standards, stop trying to compare.  Stare into the void, the downward spiral.  Trent Reznor wanna be. . .

Last night I was reminded how much I love that band.  I didn't care that I had to get up for work at 5am.  I didn't care that I was crowded.  I was enthralled by the music and (of course) the light show.  So much technology, so little time.  I even stayed til the house lights came on, I haven't done that in years.  Awesome.

As I was waiting for Krisann to get in the car, the phone rang.  It was my best friend from Elementary school who I have seen once in about 10 years.  She was calling to tell me what days she had off this week so we can hang out and celebrate our birthdays (which are 5 days apart).  She was waiting in line at the DCU Center, where Nine Inch Nails just happened to be playing.  So, I spent the night with my favorite band, my good friend (at her first NIN show), and a friend I haven't seen in years.  It was a good night.

On a totally unrelated topic. . . I'm making a request from all my lovelies:  Next Halloween is my 30th birthday.  I would like to spend it with all my friends (and I mean ALL my friends).  I don't know how it's going to happen yet, but we'll think of something.  It's a Saturday night, so I think that will work for most of us.

So, Friday was my birthday (and Halloween).  I'm always a little unsettled about my birthday as I've mentioned before.  This year, people remembered.  I was very happy.  Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, I greatly appreciate it.  

Now for the good story:  So, I come home from work and the boy makes no mention of a gift.  Now, that's not a vital part of the day, but a mention or a card would be good.  I admit that I got a little upset by that.  I was in the living room rushing to finish my costume for the party and he was in the kitchen hollowing out the pumpkin so we could carve it.  He had never done that before, so when he was finished (mostly finished) he called me out to the kitchen to inspect his work.  I walked over to the counter, picked up the top of the pumpkin and inside was a disc with his handwriting on it.  It said the name of the song and "I wrote you a song.  I love you".  I shook my head in disbelief, I said, "no you didn't" and I cried. . . a lot.  He cried.  

It was a pretty cool birthday.

Oh yeah, and I got an iphone from the rents.

Oh yeah, and my sister had baby number 3 yesterday.

Today is my sister's birthday.  I miss my sister.  Maybe my concept of sisterhood is skewed.  Maybe I had a different conception of our relationship then what it really was.  That's entirely possible.  When we were younger, before she became Mike's wife and Alyssa's and Brianna's (and Calleigh's soon) mother, she was my sister.  We used to talk, we used to spend time together.  I understand that people's lives go in different directions.  My sister and I are very different people.  But I thought that the sister bond was stronger then that.  I miss my sister. 

She calls me when she needs something, that's it.  She has no friends.  Her eldest daughter is her best friend.  Now, I know I can call her, but there's only so much kid talk I can handle.  I don't have kids,  I don't want kids.  I know they are wonderful things, but when that's all you talk about I'm out of things to respond with.  The only thing I have that's close is 2 cats.  Not quite the same thing and I don't identify as their mother.  I am me.  I know who I am.  I am the sum of all my parts.  I'm me, and Ken's girl, and Gail's daughter, and Rick's daughter, and Tracy's sister, etc, etc.  Tracy is not Tracy.  She is Alyssa's and Brianna's mother and Mike's wife.  That's it.  I miss my sister.

So, I'm at work today, again.  I'm killing time before the show starts.  I suddenly remember what it felt like to be in college.  I did this shit all the time, but instead of going home and sleeping I went home to party.  I'm not sure how I did it.  One thing is for certain, however, I'm not as young as I used to be.  That makes me sad, kind of.  I'm glad I've got things figured out.  I'm glad I'm in a better position financially, emotionally, etc.  
I had a moment of fear this morning.  My birthday's coming.  K asked me last night what I wanted, so that triggered the thought.  I did the math and I'm running out of time.  I have a dress to finish for the day after my birthday.  Panic time.  I hate having things hanging over my head with deadlines so close.  Plus, I need at least a week in case I need to alter it at all.  The bride keeps losing weight, fortunately taking something in is easier than letting it out.  Maybe I'll get it done next week.  Cross my fingers that I'll have time when I'm not working.  Breathe. . .

I can't believe that it's been 6 weeks since I've last posted.  I knew it had been a while, but not that long.  I wish I had a good excuse, but I've just been super busy.  I go through these phases where I will be tied to my computer every day.  Then, life happens.  I go through multiple week stretches where I don't even turn this beautiful machine on, nor do I check anything from anywhere else.  I just go to work, go home, sleep, repeat.  And as you all know, my job does not put me near a computer.  I'll get better about checking and posting and all that.  But, there's just gonna be times when I don't get to it.

Right now, I'm in the middle of an 80+ hour week.  I have some down time between my normal work day and when I have to run the show.  It's a little nuts, but it'll give me some good money.  Eh.  That's all.  I'm tired.

I had the worst dream last night.   It was one of those dreams that I couldn't wake myself up from and when I hit the snooze button on my alarm and went back to sleep, it was still there.  It was so vivid that I couldn't shake it all day.  I'm actually a little afraid to go to sleep right now, I don't want to do that again. 

Here it is:

My parents neighbors shot both of my parents execution style.  They then chased me everywhere I went and threatened me.  They took shots at me as I was sitting with the boy watching tv.  No one got hurt, thankfully.

I remember the make, model, year, and license plate of the truck they drove while stalking and threatening me.  I remember the gun.  I hate it.  Every couple of months, I have a nightmare that I can't shake off.  It's usually got something to do with my own creation of vampire zombies.  It's actually way more fun that this most recent one, but it still scares the shit out of me.  What is happening in my brain?
 

I feel like I haven't even had time to breathe.  The first week was my very first paid vacation.  It's nice to have a real job with real job perks.  I spent the week running around with the boy on the second leg of their tour.  It was fun, but exhausting.  This past week I spent in overtime at work and dog/house sitting for my parents.  Nothing like staying at a house that's not really your house anymore.  It was a rather huge revelation for me.  That was my home, for 28 years, that was my home and now I no longer feel that way.  Even when I no longer lived there, I always had a feeling of coming home when I walked into that house.  Not anymore.  My home is in Somerville, with the boy and the kitties, close to my friends and the city that I love is just out my window.  That's my home.  Someday I'll feel that way again, when that is my house, but not right now.
Interesting. . .

And boo to Trent Reznor for straining his vocal chords and postponing the show last Friday.

I found this stuff that I wrote in college.  I used to sit in class and write stream of consciousness, it actually helped me focus on the lecture because I would eject the shit that was swirling around in my head.  Here's an example:

10/30/01
22 Tomorrow; the approach of a new year; somethings to come; somethings to go; life changing; not changing; have to go; need to stay; life is a dream; reality ceases; can't go; can't stay; don't fit in; love to live it; hate to dream it; reach out; dive in; no fear; don't hold back; live, love, play, write, worship, dream, sleep; can't sleep; no time; time is endless; ending life; what's the point; point of contact cement that glues my skin to the desk.  Who are you looking at you two faced little bitch?  Can't sleep, can't dream, only nightmares here.  Music flows in tidal patterns.  Waves of notes up and down.  Follow the moon & reach the stars; don't get burned.  Flames.  Peeling Skin, tragedy.  Why did you do that?  Are you stupid?!  Can't you see what you've done to my brain?  You asshole.  Take your smile and walk away.  Leave us all alone.  Keep dreaming, keep seeming to be real.  Let go, run free, live.  Don't let it die.  Don't you see?  You don't care.  Selfish, self righteous.  Think, drink, act, be here, not there.  People need you.  Live up to the responsibility.  Don't let us down.  Too late.  Never too late, yes it is.  Blow me.  Fuck you!  Love you too.  Look around, beauty, grace, love light.  No more darkness.  Just look.  Fine, don't take my advice.  Just fucking give up.  You don't care.  Now you'll never see. . .or will you?  Do you understand now?  This is your fault, all your fault.  Can't blame anyone else anymore.  You gave up that right.  I had the choice too, we all did.  We didn't give in, you did.  So, ha!  Fuck you, I win!  I love you.  I'll see you again, in a very long time.  I'm going to live my way and not give up like you did.  So, get out of my life, leave me alone.

I don't know if I just never saw it before or blindly accepted it (like I did with so many things in my youth) or if it's gotten worse.  But, what happened to Massachusetts drivers?  Actually. . . when did we become so arrogant as a people that the rules don't apply to us and common courtesy is about as common as a unicorn.  I guess looking at how people drive is a good descriptive of how people live.  Are we so selfish that only our mission matters?  People don't know how to merge, no matter who's got the yield sign, everyone has to go first.  And forget about negotiating a rotary.  Plus, why is it when people are at a busy intersection, some asshole has to block the box and screw everyone else for the next 5 light cycles - and it takes 5 light cycles because 5 other assholes are doing it at the next 5 lights. 

If people would just be patient and respectful of each other, we'd get places faster.  That's true for the rest of life too.  I understand that people get stressed and we all have crazy tight schedules, but come on people.  You'll all be much happier and life will be much more pleasant if people would show each other the respect that they want to receive from everyone else.  You know, some guy once said to treat others the way you want to be treated.  I think that's a damn good idea.  There are so many people in the world that consider themselves to be good god fearing christians.  If you can't be patient and kind to other people (on any level) you're a hypocrite.  There's a reason I'm not religious anymore, but that's a rant for another day.

So, come on people, let's be nicer to each other.  You might find that you're life is happier. 

I like spending a day off with my parents.  We're not the typical "functional" american family.  We're not crazy affectionate, we don't even always get along.  I've noticed that now that I am an adult and have finally become more like myself, we get along.  I'm not the scared little girl I used to be.  I'm not fearless by any stretch, but I'm stronger than I was before.  I can be me, look like me.  My father and I have conversations about the things that we have in common (which is a lot more than I could have imagined).  I spend time with my mother and she speaks to me like a person.  She vents to me.  I don't tell them everything, to be honest, I don't tell them all that much.  I know their ideals and I know that there are facets of my life that they would not agree with.  That's ok.  I'm still their child, they don't need to know every minor detail of my life.  I don't need to be judged by anyone, especially them.  I love my parents and I appreciate the turn that our relationship has taken.  It baffles me.

So, I slept till noon today, which never happens.  I had intended to go to RI and help the family build my nieces' swing set.  I woke up at 9am and didn't want to get up yet, so I closed my eyes.  When I opened the again, it was 12:15pm.  Damn it!  I called my mother (who was supposed to be leaving Quincy at noon) and she told me that they were already in RI and not to worry about it.  Sweet!  A day to myself.  Since the boy is away, it's totally a day to myself.

I took my day to myself and used it well, I think.  I cleaned my house, I successfully avoided my neighbors who had a huge cook-out (which was repeatedly interrupted by the various thunder storms we had today), i watched a marathon of Firefly, and I finished the mock-up of the dress that I'm making for my friends' wedding.  All-in-all, a productive day.

What makes it weird is that I am by myself, I haven't been alone in my house for this long ever.  Today was ok, if I have to do it again tomorrow, it might not be ok.  I like to consider myself to be an independent women, but I have discovered that I like having people around and I don't like sleeping by myself.  I guess that doesn't question my independence, I can survive on my own,  I just like having people to share stuff with.

At least I got stuff done that I had been meaning to do, like this. . .